I don’t think I knew what grief was until recently.
Twelve years ago, when my grandpa passed away, I knew sadness and had regrets that I didn’t get to know him better, but since I didn’t live with him or see him often, it wasn’t as heart breaking. It’s been nearly one and a half month since my grandma passed, but it’s still hard to believe since she was such a big part of our lives. It’s hard to say goodbye.
I lived with her for two years while in school for dental hygiene. I visited her almost every single weekend. We bonded over food. My grandma was the best at Asian comfort foods. Some of which I’m not even sure exists elsewhere. Like this porridge dumpling soup. It’s literally leftover porridge mixed with chives or onions and flour then rolled into balls and cooked again in a soup base.
I’ve been struggling to deal with my emotions, to get back to work, to become inspired again. But it’s been difficult. I could be in the middle of work, and I would suddenly think of my grandma and want to cry. The mere mention of my grandma makes my throat close up and a lump form. Sometimes it’s hard to breathe. I know how dramatic that sounds, but that’s how I feel right now.
Every week, I buy fresh flowers for my grandma. We replace the vases with fresh flowers because she loved plants. Flowers, fruits, and vegetables were some of her favorites to grow.
The past few weeks have been all about family. I’ve been trying to step into the kitchen to create new recipes, but it doesn’t feel the same. What would normally take me just 5 minutes to make and 15 minutes to photograph would take me twice as long, sometimes even more.
But in the next couple of weeks, you’ll see more recipes and more normalcy.
I just wanted to give you a little insight behind the scenes.
Thank you for all your comments and all the stories you’ve shared with me!
victorialise says
I am so deeply sorry for your loss, Andrea. It is absolutely life altering to lose a dear loved one. Wishing you peace and healing. x
Andrea| Cooking with a Wallflower says
Thank you
enticingnature50 says
Grief stays deep in our hearts and minds for a very long time. The wound from the loss of your precious grandmother is still fresh. May each day get easier to bear. Love and prayers to you.
Andrea| Cooking with a Wallflower says
Thank you.
snowlessknitter says
This is my first time reading your blog, but I’ll say this: I was super-close with my maternal grandmother. It’ll be 13 years this July since she passed away, and I still miss her like crazy (especially while cooking and trying to replicate her recipes from memory). The grief will hurt now, but it gets easier to live with as time and life go on. I’m sorry for your loss, and I hope you have lots of love around you…you’ll need it.
Andrea| Cooking with a Wallflower says
Thank you.
Eva@L.E.EBakers says
I’m so sorry for your loss, Andrea. May you find peace and comfort. Praying for you!
Andrea| Cooking with a Wallflower says
Thanks, Eva.
Megala says
Very sorry about the loss, and time is the best (only) healer.
Andrea| Cooking with a Wallflower says
Thank you, Megala.
Kathryn Grace says
I’m so sorry you lost your grandmother. May your sorrows be lessened day by day, and your memories brightened in equal measure.
Andrea| Cooking with a Wallflower says
Thank you.
The Dilettante Cygnet says
Touching. I can totally relate to this piece as I lost my granny as well 8 months ago. But, let me tell you that they were fighters. Death could not lure them. They embraced it with warmth and affection. And THAT is the beauty of it.
Andrea| Cooking with a Wallflower says
Thank you for your words. And I’m so sorry for your loss.
turg7269 says
I am so sorry for your loss. I remember that lost feeling after my grandmother died. That was over 40 years ago. I have pictures of her right on my writing desk. So many of the recipes I blog were hers. My grandmother lost two children, I remembering asking her once about how one gets over losing someone. Oh, she said, you never get over it, nor would you want too, but you must and do learn to live with it. Oh, how her words were a comfort and inspiration to me when several years after she died, I, too, lost a baby. Your grandmother will always be there when you need her. Love and wisdom never die. It will take time, but someday soon, you will think of her and again feel the joy she brought to your life. As a grandmother myself, I will send you a hug and say, “Oh, my precious child, how loved you were and still are by your grandmother.” Hugs.
Andrea| Cooking with a Wallflower says
Thank you so much. Your words means a lot to me. *hugs*
lulu says
You and your grandma were very lucky to share such a loving relationship. Cherish each and every one of your memories of her. That’s what will keep her alive in your heart.
Andrea| Cooking with a Wallflower says
Thank you.
Gail Kaufman says
I have a baby granddaughter and it is my dream to build the kind of relationship with her that you describe. Should I be that lucky, and from beyond I saw her struggle to fill the void left in the hours we physically shared, I would try to reach across the boundary of life and death to tell her she’ll never be lonely since I will remain alive in her heart forever if she would only live as I taught her by example: Embrace your passion, surround yourself with the people you love, and pass the legacy on to others.
Andrea| Cooking with a Wallflower says
Thanks, Gail. It means a lot to me. Congratulations on your baby granddaughter =)