I don’t think I knew what grief was until recently.
Twelve years ago, when my grandpa passed away, I knew sadness and had regrets that I didn’t get to know him better, but since I didn’t live with him or see him often, it wasn’t as heart breaking. It’s been nearly one and a half month since my grandma passed, but it’s still hard to believe since she was such a big part of our lives. It’s hard to say goodbye.
I lived with her for two years while in school for dental hygiene. I visited her almost every single weekend. We bonded over food. My grandma was the best at Asian comfort foods. Some of which I’m not even sure exists elsewhere. Like this porridge dumpling soup. It’s literally leftover porridge mixed with chives or onions and flour then rolled into balls and cooked again in a soup base.
I’ve been struggling to deal with my emotions, to get back to work, to become inspired again. But it’s been difficult. I could be in the middle of work, and I would suddenly think of my grandma and want to cry. The mere mention of my grandma makes my throat close up and a lump form. Sometimes it’s hard to breathe. I know how dramatic that sounds, but that’s how I feel right now.
Every week, I buy fresh flowers for my grandma. We replace the vases with fresh flowers because she loved plants. Flowers, fruits, and vegetables were some of her favorites to grow.
The past few weeks have been all about family. I’ve been trying to step into the kitchen to create new recipes, but it doesn’t feel the same. What would normally take me just 5 minutes to make and 15 minutes to photograph would take me twice as long, sometimes even more.
But in the next couple of weeks, you’ll see more recipes and more normalcy.
I just wanted to give you a little insight behind the scenes.
Thank you for all your comments and all the stories you’ve shared with me!
drakesneststudios says
My dearest Andrea, all that you are feeling is totally normal and, unfortunately, a part of life. Try to think of all the good memories you have with your grandmother and the way she had of offering you comfort, like the porridge soup. Those memories will help ease the pain a bit and make it a little easier to deal with. If you know how to make the soup, why not make yourself a bowl and let it’s comforting flavor take you back in time, for a bit, and feel the spiritual hug from your grandmother. You and yours are in our prayers. Take care and God Bless. – Terri at the Drake’s Nest
Andrea| Cooking with a Wallflower says
Thanks, Terri.
Ginene Nagel says
I think that the pain passes from a divorce, for example, but I don’t find that the pain of losing a loved one ever does. We pick it up and carry it with us . The experience makes us stronger, more gentle and kinder to other people. We learn empathy and we learn to value people. But, pass, I don’t think so. I wish you strength.
Ginene
Andrea| Cooking with a Wallflower says
Thanks, Ginene.
Benjamin Lessard says
This is beautiful and you have an eloquent way of writing which is fantastic. My deepest apologies for what happened in your life but sharing it with your audience, with us is incredible and inspiring. Looking forward for more of your posts. 🙂
Andrea| Cooking with a Wallflower says
Thanks, Benjamin.
itsfridayletsbake says
This is a lovely post, I know how dificult is, its take time specially with your kind of heart..but you will discover soon a new way to love her and also feel her!! Sending my support!
Andrea| Cooking with a Wallflower says
Thank you.
Dale says
My dear. Feeling the way that you do is OK. Death is a consequence of life. We shall all get there. Your memories of your grandmother are beautiful and you should cherish each and every one. Celebrate your time with her through your cuisine. Share some of her best recipes with us. Remember, she lives through you now.
Andrea| Cooking with a Wallflower says
Thank you
katelon says
Sending on support.
cameron369 says
Dearest Drea, you take your sweet time and you’ll be okay. Cooking and music are an outlet for me to take and share good memories like this post. You be well and you’ll come back brighter and more loving than before.
The Dimestore Gypsy says
I’m sorry for your loss. I just lost my grandma at the end of January this year so I can totally relate. I didn’t have much inspiration to do much so I unplugged for a while and that’s ok! It’s ok for you to take time for yourself to grieve…it’ll come back when you least expect it.
I love to paint and one night I just got the urge to paint. After that It just kind of slowly crept back up on me and I started blogging again. Hope you find comfort in all the memories you have of her and sending lots of hugs your way.
Your life was a blessing
your memory a treasure,
you are loved beyond words,
and missed beyond measure.
-Renee Wood
Andrea| Cooking with a Wallflower says
Thank you so much, Renee. Your words helped. And I’m so sorry for your loss. *hugs*
LJ Innes says
Hello Old Friend. I’m so sorry to hear about your grandmother. I’m sure she’ll be looking after you and watching over your shoulder as her cooking traditions and recipes live on through you. Why not write a cookbook in her honor? I’ll help you if you ever decide to. My prayers are with you and your family.
~LJ
Andrea| Cooking with a Wallflower says
Thanks, LJ. Making a cookbook is a great idea. =)
LJ Innes says
I’m sure she’d be honored if you did. Plus all of your recipes are so good (I’ve tried a few) I’m surprised you haven’t done one yet. 🙂 Hang in there.
odessadarling says
I’m so sorry to hear you lost someone so special to you. I can only imagine how proud she is of you and how important those moments were to her, as well. Thinking of you <3
Andrea| Cooking with a Wallflower says
Thank you *hugs*