“Grief is like the ocean; it comes in waves, ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming.” – Vicki Harrison
It’s been nearly four and a half months since my grandma passed. Some days it gets easier and other days not so much. Recently, it’s been the latter.
I don’t normally write personal posts. I focus on food, and lately, travel. But I’ve been overwhelmed with a sense of loss, and I only know how to write how I feel. So today, I’m sharing a more personal post, just as I did a few months ago, here. Thank you for all the stories you shared with me and for getting me through that difficult period.
And just as before, it’s okay to skip this post since it’s not one of my usuals.
The thing is, today was supposed to be the day we celebrate Grandma’s birthday. It’s not exactly on her birthday. It usually isn’t. We try to schedule her birthday dinner either on a Saturday or a Sunday so that we can all attend.
Every single year for as long as I can remember, we pick a nice Chinese restaurant in San Jose, everyone dresses up, and we go out for dinner. The girls will wear dresses and the guys will wear a dress shirt and a tie. It’s that kind of event. One that we all look forward to each year because it’s when our family comes together and celebrate.
Which makes even more difficult as the day we had picked out months in advance approaches.
I was always close to my grandma. Every weekend, I would be at her house to hang out. It didn’t matter that I wasn’t doing anything important. It just mattered to her that I was there. She liked having family around. And so I was always visiting during the weekends, just a day, but sometimes longer when there’s a long weekend.
And so now that she’s gone, I’m a little at a loss. My weekends are now free, except for work, and I’m struggling to fill that gaping hole in my life.
It was even more noticeable this past 4th of July weekend. I had five days off, but I didn’t realize it until it got closer because I never had to make plans for the holidays. I was always at Grandma’s house, so there was never a need for me to make plans. And suddenly I had all this time off with no plans. At least, not until the last moment.
And then of course, today, the day we are supposed to come together, with cousins and uncles and aunts flying in from other states and countries, to celebrate. This year was supposed to be a big celebration, where everyone was trying to make it, where Grandma gets to meet some of her great grandchildren for the first time. It makes it so much harder to keep it together.
Most days I’m okay. I’ve stopped wanting to cry at work, or on the bus, or as I’m walking home, but this weekend is just so much harder.
Especially since on the morning of Friday February 24th I had requested for Monday, July 10th off. I wanted extra time to spend with visiting family, to hang out, and to catch up. My request was granted that same morning. But late that same afternoon Grandma passed from cardiac arrest while I was at work. And I just left that day open because I didn’t know how I would feel.
Happy early Birthday, Grandma. I miss you <3
Sorry to hear that. Give my condolences to you and your fam. Hope you’ll be given strength to get through all days.
Thanks, Nisa.
Very heartfelt post. It is okay to feel sad and lost at this point. Special days are hard to get through….they are another “first” without your loved one. Since you have tomorrow off, maybe you can go “visit” her at her grave or just spend some time reminiscing, or anything else that feels “right” to you. Grief is personal. There is no right or wrong way to deal with it. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
Thank you so much.
I understand your pain. It’s wonderful that you were able to share so much time with your Grandmother. My local step Grandmother died when I was 6 and my grandfather died when I was 12. My mom’s mom only came at Christmas and we’d occasionally see her a few days at another time of year, but not always. So I didn’t know her well.Even still, when she died when I was 24, after losing someone every 6 years, I ended up in a deep depression and had to drop out of college for a semester.
I hope you are all still going to get together to share your love and celebrate your Grandmother.
I’m so sorry for all the hardship you had to go through, Katelon. Thank you so much for sharing your story with me.
Thanks Andrea. I wasn’t allowed to grieve going up and my family just stuffed it all, so that is why it caught up with me after 4 losses in a row. It’s healthy that you are taking the time to grieve and finding ways to express your grief. Most hospitals offer free support groups, some even using music and other outlets to support the process. I hope your family got together and have a supportive time together.
Andrea this is such a beautiful, heartfelt tribute to your wonderful grandma! Thank you for your bravery in opening your heart to all of us as you grieve her loss. She is certainly smiling down from above.
THank you
So special. <3
I sense you share your sweet grandmother’s spirit of kindness, love, joy, and creativity that makes you a blessing to so many others, including me, Andrea. 🌟✨💫
Thank you so much. It means a lot to me.
Sorry for your loss. May her soul rest in peace.
Thank you.
A beautiful post, Andrea. Thank you for sharing your love of your grandmother with us. Hugs to you. -Donna
Thanks, Donna.
My condolences on your loss.
Thank you
It’s always had to lose someone you love but especially someone who served as the “glue” for the rest of the family. My family went through that a little bit a few years ago when we lost my grandfather. We still have my grandmother, though, and I think we all know what a blow it will be when we no longer have her. You are in my prayers as you deal with her loss. She sounds like she was a wonderful woman.
Thank you!