“Grief is like the ocean; it comes in waves, ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming.” – Vicki Harrison
It’s been nearly four and a half months since my grandma passed. Some days it gets easier and other days not so much. Recently, it’s been the latter.
I don’t normally write personal posts. I focus on food, and lately, travel. But I’ve been overwhelmed with a sense of loss, and I only know how to write how I feel. So today, I’m sharing a more personal post, just as I did a few months ago, here. Thank you for all the stories you shared with me and for getting me through that difficult period.
And just as before, it’s okay to skip this post since it’s not one of my usuals.
The thing is, today was supposed to be the day we celebrate Grandma’s birthday. It’s not exactly on her birthday. It usually isn’t. We try to schedule her birthday dinner either on a Saturday or a Sunday so that we can all attend.
Every single year for as long as I can remember, we pick a nice Chinese restaurant in San Jose, everyone dresses up, and we go out for dinner. The girls will wear dresses and the guys will wear a dress shirt and a tie. It’s that kind of event. One that we all look forward to each year because it’s when our family comes together and celebrate.
Which makes even more difficult as the day we had picked out months in advance approaches.
I was always close to my grandma. Every weekend, I would be at her house to hang out. It didn’t matter that I wasn’t doing anything important. It just mattered to her that I was there. She liked having family around. And so I was always visiting during the weekends, just a day, but sometimes longer when there’s a long weekend.
And so now that she’s gone, I’m a little at a loss. My weekends are now free, except for work, and I’m struggling to fill that gaping hole in my life.
It was even more noticeable this past 4th of July weekend. I had five days off, but I didn’t realize it until it got closer because I never had to make plans for the holidays. I was always at Grandma’s house, so there was never a need for me to make plans. And suddenly I had all this time off with no plans. At least, not until the last moment.
And then of course, today, the day we are supposed to come together, with cousins and uncles and aunts flying in from other states and countries, to celebrate. This year was supposed to be a big celebration, where everyone was trying to make it, where Grandma gets to meet some of her great grandchildren for the first time. It makes it so much harder to keep it together.
Most days I’m okay. I’ve stopped wanting to cry at work, or on the bus, or as I’m walking home, but this weekend is just so much harder.
Especially since on the morning of Friday February 24th I had requested for Monday, July 10th off. I wanted extra time to spend with visiting family, to hang out, and to catch up. My request was granted that same morning. But late that same afternoon Grandma passed from cardiac arrest while I was at work. And I just left that day open because I didn’t know how I would feel.
Happy early Birthday, Grandma. I miss you <3
Big hugs Andrea. ❤️
Thanks, john.
My condolences to you for the loss of your grandma. It is hard losing grandparents, since they are usually the first loved ones to depart. I remember being very affected by the death of my beloved grandfather at about 8 years old. My close grandmother died on my 30th birthday.
It is true that grieve can sometimes come and go. I’m experiencing that a lot now that my nephew recently passed.
I’m so sorry for your loss!
I’m so sorry. It’s going to be a hard day, but you’ll feel better when tomorrow comes. I hope you can do something special to honor her that will make you feel a little bit better. ((((Hugs))))
PS: I’m glad you posted this – It’s not your usual post, but there is nothing wrong with reaching out for support. We’re here for you.
Susan
Thank you, Susan.
My sincere condolences on your loss, Andrea. Thank you for sharing your thoughts; it is indeed quite difficult to cope with such losses. I am sure your Grandma will be at peace feeling all that love and warmth that you have for her and she will continue to be with you in spirit and watch over you. Take care!
Thank you, Narendra
Thank you for sharing. Wishing you peace in the beautiful memories you have of your Grandma, and strength in the tough times.
Thank you.
Thanks for sharing Andrea, sharing is the best way for dividing our problems!!!
What a great way to remember her and keep her memories alive. God bless!☺
Thank you.
So sorry that you losses your beloved grandma sweetie! Losing loved ones is indeed very hard and it takes time. You never stop missing them! Think of her as your guardian angel watching over you! Sending Hugz your way sweetie
Thank you so much, Lisa
Dearest Wallflower, the loss of someone we are close to is never easy. We never truly get over the loss, it just becomes easier to bear with the passage of time. You wrote a beautiful tribute to your grandma and I know in my heart that she knows how much you love and miss her.
When the days come up that you would have been spending time with her, like the weekend, holidays or birthday, why not go somewhere to explore. Take pictures and then write in a journal what you did, what you saw and how it made you feel. You could write it in the form of a letter to your grandma, like you were sharing with her something she may have wanted to see or do or perhaps it was a place she told you about and you are telling her how you found it. I did this when I lost my mother and my husband. It helped me to deal with my loss and find a way to celebrate and honor their lives.
I keep you and yours in my prayers. Know that as long as you remember all the happy memories you had with your grandma and remember all the love you shared, she will always be with you in your heart, and that I find makes things a little easier to bear. God bless you dear lady.
Thank you so much for all your advice, Terri. It means a lot to me.
A big hug and lots of love for you and your family, Andrea. <3 <3 <3 It is alright to be sad and to feel your emotions and express them. By feeling them, the pain will eventually soften. Be gentle with yourself. People connect to spirit in different ways. However it is that you feel spirit whether out in nature or praying or listening to music, do this as often as possible. The warmth and love you felt with your grandma are still there. They are only temporarily shadowed by the pain. Be well and take good care of yourself, please.
Thank you so much, Sarah. I really appreciate it.