Saying Goodbye

I don’t think I knew what grief was until recently.

Twelve years ago, when my grandpa passed away, I knew sadness and had regrets that I didn’t get to know him better, but since I didn’t live with him or see him often, it wasn’t as heart breaking. It’s been nearly one and a half month since my grandma passed, but it’s still hard to believe since she was such a big part of our lives. It’s hard to say goodbye.

I lived with her for two years while in school for dental hygiene. I visited her almost every single weekend. We bonded over food. My grandma was the best at Asian comfort foods. Some of which I’m not even sure exists elsewhere. Like this porridge dumpling soup. It’s literally leftover porridge mixed with chives or onions and flour then rolled into balls and cooked again in a soup base.

I’ve been struggling to deal with my emotions, to get back to work, to become inspired again. But it’s been difficult. I could be in the middle of work, and I would suddenly think of my grandma and want to cry. The mere mention of my grandma makes my throat close up and a lump form. Sometimes it’s hard to breathe. I know how dramatic that sounds, but that’s how I feel right now.

Every week, I buy fresh flowers for my grandma. We replace the vases with fresh flowers because she loved plants. Flowers, fruits, and vegetables were some of her favorites to grow.

The past few weeks have been all about family. I’ve been trying to step into the kitchen to create new recipes, but it doesn’t feel the same. What would normally take me just 5 minutes to make and 15 minutes to photograph would take me twice as long, sometimes even more.

But in the next couple of weeks, you’ll see more recipes and more normalcy.

I just wanted to give you a little insight behind the scenes.

Thank you for all your comments and all the stories you’ve shared with me!


  1. Antoinette Carone says:

    Anything I could say right now might sound like a cliché. After I had experienced a loss, a good friend said that although my memories brought sadness in the present, they would soon turn to happy memories. She was right. You will always have the happy memories of your grandmother.

  2. Mary Strong-Spaid says:

    Your grandma lives on in you and everything you do!
    Asian Comfort Foods—The bowl of dumpling soup looks enticing.
    I am not that great of a cook. I hope to learn more recipes from you.

  3. sageorganizing says:

    I lost my mom a year and a half ago and the wave of sadness comes over me at the oddest times too. It will happen and when it does, smile and try to remember a happy thing about your time with your grandma.

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