Saying Goodbye

I don’t think I knew what grief was until recently.

Twelve years ago, when my grandpa passed away, I knew sadness and had regrets that I didn’t get to know him better, but since I didn’t live with him or see him often, it wasn’t as heart breaking. It’s been nearly one and a half month since my grandma passed, but it’s still hard to believe since she was such a big part of our lives. It’s hard to say goodbye.

I lived with her for two years while in school for dental hygiene. I visited her almost every single weekend. We bonded over food. My grandma was the best at Asian comfort foods. Some of which I’m not even sure exists elsewhere. Like this porridge dumpling soup. It’s literally leftover porridge mixed with chives or onions and flour then rolled into balls and cooked again in a soup base.

I’ve been struggling to deal with my emotions, to get back to work, to become inspired again. But it’s been difficult. I could be in the middle of work, and I would suddenly think of my grandma and want to cry. The mere mention of my grandma makes my throat close up and a lump form. Sometimes it’s hard to breathe. I know how dramatic that sounds, but that’s how I feel right now.

Every week, I buy fresh flowers for my grandma. We replace the vases with fresh flowers because she loved plants. Flowers, fruits, and vegetables were some of her favorites to grow.

The past few weeks have been all about family. I’ve been trying to step into the kitchen to create new recipes, but it doesn’t feel the same. What would normally take me just 5 minutes to make and 15 minutes to photograph would take me twice as long, sometimes even more.

But in the next couple of weeks, you’ll see more recipes and more normalcy.

I just wanted to give you a little insight behind the scenes.

Thank you for all your comments and all the stories you’ve shared with me!

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107 comments

  1. bedlamanddaisies says:

    Those moments of grief will come at the most unexpected times. I was like the 4th daughter to my grandmother. She’s been gone now for 3 1/2 years and moments still hit me when I want to be with her. Cling to your wonderful memories for they will help you walk through those moments of grief. Much love and hugs to you.

  2. Sarah says:

    It was a blessing to your grandma to have your company and share your mutual love of food and cooking. She got to watch you grow and blossom and see you coming into your own. In everything you do, you are carrying her with you. When you feel your throat tighten and the tears start to come, you can try going Inside and sitting with your grandma in your mind. See her smile and laughter. Feel the warm of her love. It is still there with you. It is hard to feel with the grief, I know. It is like learning to walk again. Little steps. Blessings and love to you and your family. <3 <3 <3

  3. Katy says:

    No – it doesn’t sound dramatic at all. My Poppy was taken from us in December and there are simply no words for it. My Dad had THE best taste in music and some songs I can’t listen to anymore. I hope that in time making those foods will bring you comfort. Hugs. 🙂

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